So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
