I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
