Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
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