the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
