Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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