Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
