Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
