We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
