You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
This is my gift to your gina
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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