There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
operation harelip BJ is a go
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
