I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
