my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
