Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
