I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
