dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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