this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Randomize
