I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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