Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize