My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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