Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
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