dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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