i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
My bed is full of blood and feathers
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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