Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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