This dress was meant to end up on your floor
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
