My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Randomize
