News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
