I hope mine doesn't look like that
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
