I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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