I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
We need to get me chipped asap
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
