I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
