i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
