Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
