You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
