I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
