He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Randomize
