i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
