if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
My pussy is not your playground.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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