Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
