Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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