Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
he's gonorrhea incarnate
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
