i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
