booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
