I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
