am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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