just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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