Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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