He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
