I just made out with a guy for $7.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
