Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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