He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I had to cum in my sink.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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