I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
